New answers tagged poetry
The Lyric, "the oldest magazine in North America in continuous publication devoted to traditional poetry", is one periodical that accepts formal verse. The New Formalist seems to be another publisher of formal poetry. (The wikipedia article on New Formalism might be of interest.)
I should warn that I'm actually not really qualified to answer this question since I neither know too much about a poetry nor am I even a native English speaker. However I'm answering anyway because I've made an observation which might adequately explain why the first version sounds fine and the second doesn't. Looking at your first version, In poetry, ...
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