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9

Here are some thoughts; let me first tell you that they are all written rather critically - to illustrate possible criticism. Every and each of the arguments I present can be ignored (as faults) if you have a reason (that I failed to see). Furthermore - in writing I consider that opening paragraph (sometimes even a sentence) and the closing paragraph of the ...


7

In English "brain" typically refers to the organ itself. The gray and white matter; the neurons. You probably want to say that we train our minds. In English, the mind is what controls our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The brain is merely the vehicle for our cognitive processes. I don't know if other languages account for the difference between the ...


6

Personally I wouldn't change from third to first person in the middle of the story, it's always a little bit jarring for the reader. That being said, maybe being jarring is what you want in this case. It would make the flashbacks stand out. Being in first person for the flashback would also make it feel more personal, something you might want for that ...


5

Your writing style is stream-of-consciousness, which can be hard to digest. (On the internet this is labeled "tl;dr" for "too long; didn't read.") I strongly suggest breaking this into several paragraphs. Second, you start out with how despite your objection to her color, she became an emotional bright spot — but you don't get to that until the end, ...


5

I'll answer question two honestly: Sorry, but it didn't make me want to read on. My first reaction is 'So what?'. You haven't given me any reason to care that he didn't pick up the phone or that he doesn't get along with Mai any more. Does he not pick up the phone because there's someone or something after him? Hint at that. Does she seem distant to him ...


4

The three key points for me are: "increasing green movement" doesn't make sense to me. It sounds like "green" is moving around more. Also, it's not clear what exactly they're responsible for. Split the long sentence up into two or more sentences. The subsidy has made it cheaper and encourages adoption, but the penalty (tax) affects heavy polluters, so make ...


4

I think the actual content and overall style is fine, but you're having some trouble with consistent grammar. For example: "We train our brain hard so that we are able to control the burst of our emotions." - we don't share a common brain. So it should be 'brains'. Or: "impulsive acts often causes troubles" should be 'cause', since acts is plural. And ...


3

It's "whereas." It's a formal and slightly clunky word. Plus you're using the exact same sentence structure twice in a row, but only twice. Once is fine, and three times is an effect, but two looks like a mistake. Kate’s problem had been physical, but mine had been psychological. She had been motivated by an excess of sensations. My problem was a lack ...


3

What Kate said, plus the word participating in the last sentence seems awkward. You might consider "the impact of raw emotions," or "the influence of raw emotions," or "the role of raw emotions." Better yet, I would rephrase and say something like: ". . . and curb raw emotions" or ". . . and hold raw emotions in check."


3

You have some good ideas, and I think it's great that you're taking the time to experiment and explore. But in terms of writing style, I think you need to keep working. The first paragraph opens with a cliche - "In times like these" - has there ever been a time when people DIDN'T think they were living in unusual times? You're right, your opening counts, ...


3

Evidently you have clear ideas about what you want the essay to accomplish, and a reasonably good understanding of what you are writing about. Your revised essay probably reaches most of the goals you set. However, it seems rather wordy to me. If you trim away empty phrases, you will improve the essay's readability and at the same time make room for more ...


2

First impression: The sentences are too long winded. Comma, comma, comma. The worst one begins with "Among this new wave". You can really use more than three sentences per paragraph. Break the sentences apart. That enhances clarity. I wouldn't use the iceberg metaphor. First it's overused, second it is normally used to show negative things ("The government ...


2

Just some remarks: Were you really touching any corpse, anytime? Because this metaphor smells foul. "Alone in the dark". I think it is a cliche. It is the name of well known legend among computer games, so this phrase induces feelings of a dangerous situation, not loneliness, loss and deprivation.


2

Like most things in writing there's no right or wrong answer - only good or bad writing - and that can be subjective. Without the context of the action piece it's difficult to know if this works or not, it might be perfect, it might be completely wrong, it's hard to make a real judgement call. Having said that, my problem with this passage as it's written is ...


2

I can see how it can work. The action is set on a larger scale - action normally involves more or wider scope than just two people. If the story plot noturally focusses down onto these two people, involved in a discussion, then it might be a valid and workable route. I thin the challenge is to ensure that the story is not disjointed (unless you are Ian ...


2

Just as a side note, I would alter the second/third sentence to this. I was beginning to like her more. I also realized we had some things in common, like our attempts of suicide. "Like" should be part of the previous sentence. With that in mind, the two examples in Lauren Ipsum's answer are great. Here's another: I smiled and gave her a nod. I ...


1

Your terminology is fine, and I think either way might work depending on your story. The idea that we're left wondering if a character is alive may be quite deliberate on the author's part. Whether the reader is frustrated or writhing in suspense is, again, dependent on the story. I don't object to the idea of making the reader work a bit at remembering ...


1

After reading the entire piece (from the link you posted), I'd say the story feels like it's all cut of the same material, so you don't have anything to worry about in terms of most of the dialog being at the end. There are some rough edges here and there - how did more beers get into his bag? "Jun left his room at 1:20 that night."? - but a light editing ...



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