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6

Like most stylistic choices, I don't think this is a problem unless you're doing it a lot. The repetition in your second example seems find because it's a deliberate echo, not an accidental one, but if you're using repetition over and over (see what I did there?), you may want to tone it down. (In the first example, I'd say the "continued" is redundant, if ...


5

You can use semi-colons when you want to use commas as well. For example: He had three ties: a red one, which he hated; a striped one, which he loved; and a green one that had been given to him by his aunt. Sometimes you can enclose extra information in parentheses. For example: I like several different dishes: lasagne (only if it is made with ...


3

Your sentences are exactly right, Alexandro. In each case what follows the comma is a list of sentence elements in apposition to each other, one that is appropriately punctuated with commas. In the first example, you have noun phrase appositives, and in the second, absolute phrases in apposition. One item in each list has a comma within it : hair, almost ...


2

I'm sorry but "wanted to see more facial features/expressions and body language" seems more like an exercise in pedantry than actually constructive criticism intended to help you. Having run the gauntlet of MFA workshops, I can't help reading the comment as "I know about body language and you ... don't." I grew up with modernist minimalism: you know, you've ...


2

I don't think anyone can tell you what the right amount is -- though they will surely turn around and tell you when you have too much. I think the second sentence about Mom's mascara is extraneous -- it doesn't add anything that furthers our understanding of the situation. Do you mean the scene to be funny? As the commenter points out, it is funny with ...


2

Like was said above: You are the one who must know when to join more action/dialogue; Not every comment of beta readers must be implemented in your book. But, the comment was quite interesting. And your change quite better: You are showing, not telling how mom is; You add more voice to the character. But here it is another but: You can't use this in ...


2

I think your question is a bit shallow for proper answer, but i will try to discribe: 1) What kind of story are you telling? Is is criminal story about your hero going in pathway of the briefcase bomb maker? If it is, your hero will need some information about that briefcase. Color, weight, maybe small details as locks, material of the briefcase or such ...


2

I would say it would depend on whether specifics of the device has any bearing on the plot. In your example the bomb specifications themselves don't seem to be relevant to the story.


2

Every line needs to service the plot, set an image in the reader's mind, or reveal something about the characters. If it doesn't, you don't need it, whatever beta readers think. But actions and descriptions can add weight to a conversation because they can help us visualize what's going on. And they can help set the pace; faster dialogue means less ...


1

The bit doesn't have to be believable. It does have to be relatable. If your character suddenly finds herself having to deal with people's incorrect assumptions about her, the fact that this sort of thing wouldn't happen is besides the point. Everyone's had to deal with misconceptions and they can relate to this. Also, just the fact that it's in a work ...


1

There's really very few unequivocal 'signs' of bad writing when it comes to word choice. It's simply not that easy. Depending on the character, age, education, temper, exhaustion, voice etc of the narrator, 'we marched and marched' may be a great choice. The key word is choice. If you're just noticing you do this a lot, then it probably is a sign that you ...


1

It's not bad writing, but it is a common technique and has only light impact. So, writing with a current weakness. Consider your above examples: "The forest seemed endless." This has roughly the same effect as the previous line with the repetition but is more effective. You only need one of those lines, really. In the second example, take out the 'up and ...


1

The most simple test of a comedic technique is, "Do they laugh?" Robert McKee mentions this in his book Story. If readers are voicing concerns about believability, but they found it funny, it may not be so bad. If your comedy is funny, a big part of the war is already won. Thus believability would only be a concern if the moment earned laughs, yet damaged ...


1

Back in writing school, an author advised his students to write in the first-person present. The objective is to place as few intermediaries as possible between the reader and the action of the story. Even writing in the simple past tense adds a degree of separation between reader and action because it amplifies the presence of an intermediary, namely ...


1

Starting with past progressive feels very conversational, and I expect the sentence to end with a phrase that gives some kind of context about why you are doing that or what happened when you did that. Dale mentions a 'when' statement above, which illustrates the 'what happened'. Here's an example of the 'why': We were driving down the highway in Tom's ...



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