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12

As John says, you've given us an okay basic structure, but not a lot of ideas about how to TEACH it. For high school essay writing: First thing I teach when I'm teaching essay writing is brainstorming, and then refining the ideas - what ideas do you have, which are interesting to you, which go together, what ideas do you have for supporting them? Then ...


10

I'm not sure if there's a good, quick fix for this. I learned how to write English in an intelligent, formal manner from learning German, and reading lots, and lots, of English. Anyhow, avoid "kind of" and "sort of." That used to drive my English teachers crazy. Also avoid the verb "to be" when possible. Sometimes "to be" is the best option, but not as ...


8

Capitals in English are used for proper nouns. Your two examples have slightly different shades of meaning. One of my favorite subjects was Computational Geometry. I read that as "One of my favorite subjects was Math 247, the specific course entitled 'Computational Geometry,' taught by Professor Angleton." One of my favorite subjects was computational ...


7

In English "brain" typically refers to the organ itself. The gray and white matter; the neurons. You probably want to say that we train our minds. In English, the mind is what controls our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The brain is merely the vehicle for our cognitive processes. I don't know if other languages account for the difference between the ...


7

If your essay is analytical (and I'm struggling to think of any other reason you'd write an essay about The Great Gatsby) then I'd put it in the present tense. Gatsby loves Daisy, but Daisy is married to Tom. Gatsby doesn't have the bloodline to impress her; all he has is money. So he throws lavish affairs at his ostentatious house in a effort to show her ...


6

Anytime you mention something that isn't general knowledge, you need to explain how you know it. So if you're using facts or ideas from a source, you need to cite the source. I'm not quite clear on the distinction between "repeated facts/figures" and "based on information/date from one of the sources". If by "based on" you mean you've drawn your own ...


6

You do not describe the essay like it should be written, you describe it like it should be read. Except for tests in school there is no need to begin writing with a topic sentence or that the first paragraph contains the first idea. If they know how to describe the second idea and have no clue yet about the first then they shall go on writing about the ...


6

Go with the second option. The first is redundant - you've got $ as a symbol AND as a word.


6

It seems you are mixing two "states of mind". Dementia means the mind has forgotten a lot, but is still trying to figure out how the sensory input it gets fits together. This does not result in choppy thoughts/sentences, but rather confused and rambling thoughts/sentences, that are searching for logic. Example: "He had finished his coffee, and the mug ...


6

Different schools have different methods (for example, some insist that the last line of the introduction must be the thesis statement), but I learned that a "conclusion" is essentially reiterating the essay. So they summarize each paragraph in one or two sentences, and that's the conclusion. From the old saw about speeches with introductions and ...


5

Your writing style is stream-of-consciousness, which can be hard to digest. (On the internet this is labeled "tl;dr" for "too long; didn't read.") I strongly suggest breaking this into several paragraphs. Second, you start out with how despite your objection to her color, she became an emotional bright spot — but you don't get to that until the end, ...


5

An abstract is a quick summary or overview of the entire piece. It's used for search results (manual or computerized) — basically, the reader is saying, "Is this the piece I need as a source for X task?" The introduction can vary in information and tone. It can be the classic "Tell 'em what you're going to tell 'em," it can be a way to guide the ...


4

Depending on the context, you might wish to consider specifying which currency it is, eg The company spent $4.5 billion (USD) As there are many different dollars, and they all use the same $ symbol. If that is the only currency used within the paper then you could state that the currency is US dollars at the start rather than for every amount.


4

Your three scenarios were great; apply the same thoughtful analysis to determining the requirements of your audience, then I think you'll answer your own question. Here are some example audience requirements, illustrated from the reader's point of view: Which of these grant applications should I recommend to the committee for approval? Which of these ...


4

I think the actual content and overall style is fine, but you're having some trouble with consistent grammar. For example: "We train our brain hard so that we are able to control the burst of our emotions." - we don't share a common brain. So it should be 'brains'. Or: "impulsive acts often causes troubles" should be 'cause', since acts is plural. And ...


4

I wouldn't try to guess on this one, and I wouldn't trust the opinions of people on the internet, unless for some reason you can't get your information from the most logical source - your instructor! Is there some reason you can't ask him/her for clarification on the expectations of the assignment? You need to know if you even need an abstract, and if you ...


4

Your first sentence is great, it grabs the reader. Sadly, it has almost nothing to do with the rest of the essay, which therefore becomes kind of a let-down. In handling such an abstract concept, you need to concretize it. Think of how it would be done in a magazine: "Bob Smith, a freshman at a well-known Ivy League school, had troubles studying on his ...


4

On point #1, your inversion is only valid if you do as suggested in above answers OR if you removed the "it was". e.g. Only when I decided to confront the problem and call the people involved was I able to move towards a solution. But you really need to minimise the gap between 'when' and 'was I'. One way to do this would be to remove superfluous verbs ...


4

Italicized: Shakespeare, William. Hamlet. Ed. Barbara A. Mowat and Paul Werstine. New York: Washington Square-Pocket, 1992. I just searched for examples. I found this site: http://www.mystfx.ca/resources/writingcentre/MLA_Citing%20Sources.pdf, and I used that info. I think that most scripts of plays are republished in books or collections (which are ...


4

The highlights are in bold around my examples and suggestions, but a full reading is a bit more desirable. It's very descriptive, but at the same time, there are places where it's so wordy that the description is weakened, making it perform poorly as a descriptive piece of writing. When a description or sentence becomes too wordy, even with descriptive ...


3

Does your academic institution follow a style guide? If so, it's probably APA or MLA. Check with either of those. Purdue University has an excellent Online Writing Lab (OWL), which you should explore for definitive answers to questions like these.


3

What Kate said, plus the word participating in the last sentence seems awkward. You might consider "the impact of raw emotions," or "the influence of raw emotions," or "the role of raw emotions." Better yet, I would rephrase and say something like: ". . . and curb raw emotions" or ". . . and hold raw emotions in check."


3

If you hope to publish it- then you should research what "style" is required by the publication. APA style is just the tip of the iceberg. Ask publications for guidelines.


3

To answer the question in your title: yes! The question that I don't see asked is how long is your essay supposed to be? Is there a word limitation or expectation? If so, then that will influence the length of your essay and help dictate how much you need in your outline. As for the outline itself, I believe you have a very good working start. I like the ...


3

Be careful with a format given by an instructor. Although it may be MLA, often instructors have specific tweeks they have added to suit their needs. I would ask the instructor if they want you to follow MLA before assuming that format. If the instructor says no and does not offer a name of a format, ask for examples or clarification so you are sure to meet ...


3

What you've described sounds very much like the MLA publishing guidelines for essays. For further information/reference, have a look at the following link: http://www.mla.org/style_faq1


3

Evidently you have clear ideas about what you want the essay to accomplish, and a reasonably good understanding of what you are writing about. Your revised essay probably reaches most of the goals you set. However, it seems rather wordy to me. If you trim away empty phrases, you will improve the essay's readability and at the same time make room for more ...



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