New answers tagged editing
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For specific roles, try posting on forums that tech savvy people are likely to frequent.
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You're suffering from impacted arborvision: you have so much pressure on you that you can no longer see the forest for the trees.
Get an editor. Ask someone else to look at your work. Let a fresh pair of eyes judge how and where you need to cut or expand.
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Various grammatical issues, with suggestions below ...
he realised that Ariett was no more following
"he realised that Ariett was no longer following" or "he realised that Ariett was not following"
"Are you really sure he's trapped in the boneyard?" the voice would say.
""Are you really sure he's trapped in the boneyard?" the voice said."
...
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You are very concise, precise, sterile in your writing, and I see you are asking the correct question to make this text better. If your text was a dish, it would be well cooked but rather dry and in need of a good sauce.
What is missing here are more emotions. You are reporting events in a very soldier-like manner. The sentence you asked about is a good ...
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Peter looked where Ariett was pointing and saw the little crowd near the treehouse.
If we're in Peter's head in this scene, we can also do this:
Ariett was pointing at the little crowd near the treehouse.
If we're in Peter's head, we know that these are his observations. So we know he's looking at Ariett and then at where she's pointing.
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