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I've read several stories where this sort of technique is employed. The most memorable had something to do with the character pondering their own death, and the rest of the story consisted of the events leading up to it. It started with something like I hadn't expected to die so young. I admit this might have worked purely because of the shock value of ...


8

Your title, first sentence, paragraph, page, and chapter are your hooks to catch the reader. Make sure they are baited well. So, if you start with internal monologue, it had better be interesting, not just bland, random thoughts about how it's high up on the wherever. I realize that was just an example, but compare: Bad: "It's so high up here," thought ...


6

There's no reason why it couldn't work, as long as you quickly make clear that it's internal dialogue. If it's a first-person narrative, the entire story is "internal dialogue," in a sense. The main benefit is to give the reader immediate access to the character's inner life, which may help us identify with him/her/it/them. The only real con I could see ...


-1

I'd consider rewriting, I don't think it's common to put such bodily interruptions into dialogue. Consider this wince from Harrison Bergeron, by Vonnegut: George winced. So did two out of the eight ballerinas. Hazel saw him wince. Having no mental handicap herself, she had to ask George what the latest sound had been. "Sounded like somebody ...


0

Surprise requires context, so don't worry too much about it not being at the beginning of a sentence. Jane listened intently, nodding, then immediately hiccuped. Bob smiled slightly but kept going. On a side, note, if she was simply "embarrassed", that's probably obvious, and could be omitted. Now, if she did something to show that she were ...


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If you're writing a scene where you find yourself cutting the dialog, maybe the entire scene needs to be cut (or cut down). Everything, dialog or not, should be furthering the story or the character.



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