I wrote a story called Tempo, which I enjoy (this does not mean that it is good), but that has a chunk where the main character has an internal monologue. This is usually bad, but I can't tell how bad it is or how I should go about fixing it.
Here is the passage:
It's only as she speaks those words that I understood that I had thought, for some time, that relationships were the key to some locked-away chest of happiness. What is unsettling is that I can't figure out if I'm offended by her attacking me or if I'm angry at myself for feeling attacked. If it wasn't someone else that brought happiness, what was I supposed to do? Loneliness certainly didn't seem to be a viable option. Or maybe it is just my personal brand of brooding loneliness, which seems to follow me around like some pathetic cartoon rain cloud.
In the story of my life that I keep on building in my head, I had always drawn my idealized self with a woman. Someone to share experiences with. Someone to recount the tales and adventures back to me and say: "Yes, this was worth it."
God, what a terrible fantasy. I didn't want a lover, I wanted someone to confirm I wasn't wasting my life and to reflect what Hollywood and every brainless pop song on the radio claims to be happiness. Why didn't I think I could have adventures on my own? Where did this neediness come from?
I try to disguise my childish inner turmoil, talking about the weather in San Francisco as we pay our bills. Outside of the cafe, Dev's question leaks from my head to my mouth.
I could turn this into dialogue, but I don't think that would be much better. I also really don't want to cut it out completely from the story because it's kind of the main character's epiphany moment and the pay-off for all his turmoil up until then. How else should I go about transmitting this idea? Is it not the format of transmission (the inner monlogue), but it's length?