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'The glass filled with water slipped from Kekibhoys's hand while he was lost in his thoughts.'

This is the opening sentence to a short story that three of us are collaborating on. I feel this sentence does not draw the reader into the story and it seems a bit off.

I wish to convey the same idea but want it to be re-worded. Any help?

PS: The story is fantasy woven in real life, if that helps.

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closed as off-topic by Standback Jul 17 '13 at 7:59

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

    
Hi pappuyaar! I'm afraid requests to rephrase one particular snippet are off-topic here - here's some detail on our rephrase-request policy. Getting a question or two closed is par for the course on Stack Exchange, so don't worry about it - and if other questions coming up during your collaboration meet our guidelines - please share them with us! :D –  Standback Jul 17 '13 at 8:01
    
Thanks Standback! I should have gone through the Meta site first. –  pappuyaar Jul 17 '13 at 8:21

1 Answer 1

up vote 0 down vote accepted

I think re-wording won't be enough. A character dropping a glass of water because he/she's spacing out, is not exactly what I would call intriguing.

I suggest something like this:

The glass of water slipped from Kekibhoys' hand as he saw the giant blood stain on his wall.

or

Kekibhoys' glass of water fell on the floor as he saw the giant blood stain on his wall.

This is just an example, of course. It all depends on what your story is about.

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