The more I reject the demon, however, the more its pertinacity grows with unyielding resolve. He follows my every thought with conviction — has an answer for my every action, and speaks words indisputable before I could ever mutter a single syllable in retaliation. Herein, I recognized the futility of my resistance, and find the only solution stirring within me, capitulation. For the demon had set my anger aflame inside my frame and my mind is ablaze as a consequence. The destruction is all but complete. The battle has been decided. What little anger managed to escape the inferno retreats to the deepest recesses of my brain. This is a contradiction to what I had projected for I entrusted more of a fight from such a raw and powerful emotion, and because of this...
Shawn, you are attempting to create a colorful, demanding work of art by painting an entire canvas with slashing brushstrokes of language. It's exciting, and I commend you for your effort.
Effective writing, however, must be built on a solid infrastructure. Every nuance of language must be respected. If you falter in your use of a single word, you can bring an entire sentence crashing down; the death of that sentence can destroy a paragraph. Multiple mistakes can be fatal to the entire work.
Let's take your first sentence. The word aversion is not a usually quantifiable entity. Although there are ways to use "aversion" as something that can be counted, and subsequently modified by the word "each," it is rather unusual to use it this way. Aversion is a feeling; it is a distaste, a disgust, a revulsion; it is how one feels about something. You certainly might feel an aversion to the demon, but it is very difficult to imagine a circumstance in which you would have, create, or experience multiple aversions to the demon. So right off the bat, your sentence would make most readers extremely puzzled.
Then, in the same sentence, you mention the demon's capacity. The capacity of anything is the quantity it can hold. So this word is almost never used without stating what is being held. For example, "The water tower's capacity was a thousand gallons." Note that it usually refers to inanimate objects. When using it with living creatures, it generally refers to an ability, thus: "My father's capacity for hard work would always exceed my own." To say the demon's capacity for me simply makes no sense at all.
These two significant examples are both in your first sentence. Your enthusiasm is admirable, and your energy is marvelous, but your basic writing tools need work. I strongly urge you to seek out writing courses and workshops. Do you have any friends who can advise and guide you? A mentor can be invaluable. Also, it's great to find a writing group where you can get together with friends and share and critique each other's writing, or form your own. That's what I did when I was starting out and had no idea how to write my way out of a paper bag. Most important of all, keep at it! You can do it if you just don't quit. Good luck!
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