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I'm organising a project in the near future and am emailing people, which profiles I found on Linkedin, that I would like to work with. What I'm trying to get across is that it's going to be an exciting venture for them to be a part with and they should contact me if they are interested. This is what I have so far. I would just like feedback on what I should improve, change etc. Thank you all in advance for your help:

EMAIL:

Hello [name]

My name is [name] and I am contacting you on behalf of [company].

Over the past few weeks we have been seeking individuals who can contribute to our project. So it was with joy that we came across your Linkedin and subsequent online profiles. So to cut to the chase we would like to invite you to join the team.

If you feel this is of interest to you please reply to this email or ring me to speak about the project in further detail.

Yours sincerely
[name]
[twitter]

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Have you had the least success with this technique before? Because I would immediately dismiss this as spam/phishing, particularly when you use "with joy." No professional uses that, especially not with cold-calling. This is going to be trashed by 99.44% of your recipients because nobody is going to think it's legitimate. Can you join a LinkedIn group instead and post a job opening there, so people can apply? –  Lauren Ipsum Jul 2 '13 at 16:27
    
How exactly are you "trying to get across that it's going to be an exciting venture"? You say nothing about the venture, much less why it's exciting, about you, your company, what you do and why you chose this person. You haven't given them anything "of interest" to give them a reason to get back to you. The way to get it across that it's an exciting venture is to talk about the exciting venture. –  Tannalein Jul 2 '13 at 23:39
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1 Answer

I would respond negatively to this. The message says nothing about what attracted you to the recipient, or what would attract the recipient to you.

I have received such messages. They indicate no knowledge of me beyond my name and my having a LinkedIn account. I interpret such messages to mean that my profile has matched some sort of automated keyword matcher, and that the message itself was dispatched by machine, with no personal involvement of a human being. And from that entirely mechanical process, the result is to extend an extraordinary invitation: Not to interview, not to submit my resume, not to read about the company or the product or the job to see whether there is anything for me, but to join the team.

I would immediately mark this as spam and delete it.

If you want me to respond, tell me:

  • What specific qualities do I exhibit that attracted you to me, and what makes you think I have these qualities?
  • What specific features of the product, company, and team do you think I will value, and what makes you think I want those?
  • Some background about the product, company, and team, and what makes you so excited about them.
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