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I'm trying to make my descriptions to look less like a bunch of bullet points. So I decided to use more senses and similes.

This is something I wrote:

The sun hung in the cloudless sky, like a sentinel looking over the world, welcoming the starting day, warming every plant and creature on earth. I took a lungful of fresh, morning air, and suddenly everything started to look bright and new; the elderly doing their morning exercises, the youth sitting across each other in breakfast shops, the trees swinging softly in the wind. I felt as if I were watching these daily sights for the first time.

Am I doing it effectively? Or I'm overdoing it? If so, how can I improve it? (by the way, am I cluttering the paragraph with too many adjectives?)

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1 Answer 1

It all depends on context. Senses and similes are generally used to create a mood for your piece, so the amount of description will depend on the emotion of the scene and narrator. If you were out to convey a person with a very optimistic view on the world, your piece does it well (except the sentinel sun bit, that seems a bit foreboding/big brother-ish and is a strange contrast).

But if your intent is to convey someone's ordinary, day-to-day, experiences, then yes, it's overdone. I don't go around thinking all these happy, sparkly, "look at this wonderful world" thoughts when I'm going about my normal day (granted, that might just be your narrator). You could still use descriptions, but you'd relate them to the daily grind, for example.

tl;dr - you descriptions themselves aren't bad, but you need to look at the big picture and decide what direction you're taking the overall story in and tailor accordingly.

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