Is the opening of this detective short story gripping enough to read on? Can it be shortened?

Question

Is this opening too short or too quick? Can it be shortened further, removing any unnecessary description like "not giving him a lift to the office"? (I feel this last can be avoided but I am not sure.)

“Listen Mr. Amit, I am warning you for the last time. Next time I will just fire you. Why didn’t you close the window panes yesterday after the work? It’s just because of my luck that the robber didn’t take anything except few unimportant things. But I would still like to warn you to be careful.”

This was the kind of scolding I used to get from my boss Mr. George Henry almost every day. I was his company’s financier, so I had to work till late in night on his computer. I just wanted to quit his job, but money was compelling me to work for him. I lived in one of those houses built in front of his one big bungalow of a castle. Still, he wouldn’t pick me up in his ambassador in the morning. I really despised him.

I was working on my desk as usually when I heard the phone bell ringing in Mr. George’s cabin. Then it cut off. He probably must have picked up. After a few minutes I saw him rushing out of his cabin. He was in a real hurry. The clerk tried to aid him. But he pushed him aside and ran to his ambassador and drove away like a mad man. No one knew what has happened. His personal secretary, who was in the cabin, at that time said that the phone was from his home. Then after a few hours, the shocking news came to us. Somebody killed his son, and following it he declared a week holiday. This was the only good thing happened to me in the last five years working for him. But I was of course very sorry for his son. Why would any one kill a 10 year old boy!

Answer 1

I think your hunch is correct. You need to prune this by being more efficient in your wording. I see several candidates:

Listen Mr. Amit, I am warning you for the last time.
Listen Mr. Amit, I’m warning you for the last time.

Why didn’t you close the window panes yesterday after the work?
Why didn’t you close the windows after work last night?

It’s just because of my luck that the robber didn’t take anything except few unimportant things.
I was lucky the robber didn't take anything more valuable.

This was the kind of scolding I used to get from my boss Mr. George Henry almost every day.
This is how my boss would scold me daily.

I was his company’s financier, so I had to work till late in night on his computer.
I was his financier, so I'd work late on his computer.

I just wanted to quit his job, but money was compelling me to work for him.
I wanted to quit, but the money was too good.

Hopefully, you get the idea. I think the writing needs to get out of its own way, and then it will flow better.

Such improvements often need to be made after the first or even second draft. Over time, you'll learn to recognize when your writing is polished, as opposed to being in need of yet another scrub.

Answer 2

First, The characterization needs to be strong sk. Of course its just 3 paras. But if you are not including monologues, it won't make the readers listen to his inner voice.

Second, Amit seems to be just a normal guy. Why not give him a few traits in the beginning only? As far as I have seen/read the beginnings are crucial. If your beginnings won't make me slip to the next page, I won't buy it. Make your beginning strong. The opening paragraph should be such that it forces the reader to read on.

Here, I gave it a shot..

"Again?" my boss stared at the ruffled papers on his desk with his hands on his waist. "How many times will I have to tell you, Amit? Always close the windows! You're my company's financier. I hired you because you had sense."

I tried not looking into his eyes. They had a fierce gaze. "I was working late last night. I must have forgotten to do so."

"Thank God they didn't steal these", he said as he dug out a few {stuff} from his drawer. "Next time, this excuse won't save you from getting fired.

So much for an attractive salary.

I stood there and saw him pick up his {stuff}. I knew that I was morally supposed to help him. But he didn't ask for it. His hands were going through all the papers and {stuff} that he had had on his desk. Only a few things were missing. But most of them had been dropped on the floor. Among them was a photo frame of his son. He picked it up, brushed off the dust and carefully placed it back on the desk.

Here, I tried to show things in the dialogues themselves. The line:

I knew that I was morally supposed to help him. But he didn't ask for it.

is my attempt to show a personality trait of Amit's character.

And the reason why I included this line:

Among them was a photo frame of his son. He picked it up, brushed off the dust and carefully placed it back on the desk.

is because I wanted to show that the boss has a son and he loves him. It's just like an introduction of the son as he is going to be killed in the next paragraph.

Of course I did not include the other details... I just wanted to show that this is how you can entwine details with dialogues rather than giving a straightaway info dump.

I'm not a pro, but I'm trying really hard. Hope this helps :)

Answer 3

I've cleaned up the text so you can compare my edited version with your original. It can be a little wordy, and you should pay close attention to tense - you switch from past to past perfect, for example. I hope this helps!

“Listen Mr. Amit, this is your last warning. Next time I will just fire you. Why didn’t you close the windows yesterday after work? It’s pure luck that the robber didn’t take anything important. You have to be more careful.”

This was the kind of scolding I used to get from my boss, Mr. George Henry, almost daily. I was his company’s financier, so I had to work late at night. I wanted to quit, but I needed the money. I lived in one of the houses built in front of his large bungalow of a castle. Still, he wouldn’t pick me up in his ambassador [Is this a type of car? Capitalize if so] in the morning. I despised him.

I was working on my desk as usual when I heard the phone ringing in Mr. George’s cabin. After a few minutes I saw him rushing out of his cabin. The clerk tried to aid him, but he pushed him aside, ran to his ambassador and drove away like a mad man. No one knew what had happened. His personal secretary, who was in the cabin at that time, said that the phone call was from his home. After a few hours, the shocking news came to us: someone had killed his son, and the office would be closed for a week. This was the only good thing that had happened to me in the five years I’d worked for him … but I was, of course, very sorry for his son. Why would anyone kill a 10 year old boy?