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This is sort of the continuation of this previous question.

The full text is here (just in case).

Sophia grabbed her bag, and headed towards an entrance in the corner of the room. She walked in, and found herself inside a dark corridor, with a huge water tank at the back. A blue light was coming from it, partially illuminating the walking path. She couldn't tell if it was due to the reflection of the water or an aquarium light. As Sophia walked towards the tank, she noticed that there was something floating in the middle it. At first she thought it was a baby Beluga whale that had gotten lost from its mother. But after examining it carefully, she realized that it was baby girl. She was naked and curled in fetal position. Sophia wanted to scream for help but her vocal cords, as well as the rest of her body, were paralyzed. She felt as if time had momentarily frozen, like a river in a harsh cold winter. The baby opened her eyes after a moment, and stared fixedly at Sophia.

They were dark and deep, like small black holes. Sophia felt as if they were looking directly into her soul. The very core of her existence. She was terrified, but for some reason, she found something familiar in those eyes. It was then that the thought struck her: the baby was herself. She was staring at an image of herself, or to put it better, an image that once was herself. Before Sophia had the changed to have any further thought, the shark whale she had seen before appeared from on side of the water tank. It passed in front of her, swimming with the speed of a torpedo, swallowed the baby, and disappeared at the other side of the tank. Sophia watched the whole episode breathlessly, with her lips slightly parted. A deep emptiness and anguish surrounded her. She felt as if something inside her had been pulled out. Something that she would never be able to get back again. She realized at that moment something that she had known all along; the sea no longer belonged to her. What she once called home, was now a distant world. A world that was far away from her reach. She was no longer part of the sea, and the sea was no longer part of her.

  • I would like to know if the actions flow smoothly together (along with the character's emotions). If not, how to improve them?

  • Sometimes I feel that I'm just 'gluing" the actions by starting the next sentence with "after that," "at that moment," and "then." How can I replace them with something else?

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I wouldn't go far as to call this off-topic, but IMHO it's not a good question - you've got four seperate questions at the end. Generally speaking, "does this work?" is a vague type of question, requesting a yes/no judgement call. "I've got a problem, how do I solve it" works better - like your second question, about repetative sentence construction. –  Standback Jun 13 '12 at 10:34
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Also, please do not user the [criticism] tag as a substitute for the now-defunct [critique] tag. The [critique] tag was phased out for a reason (Exhibits A and B), and it's not coming back. –  Standback Jun 13 '12 at 10:35
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All 3 questions should ideally be separate. –  justkt Jun 13 '12 at 13:54
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I agree, this is asking three separate questions. –  Neil Fein Jun 13 '12 at 14:53
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OK, edited the question. –  Alexandro Chen Jun 13 '12 at 17:32
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1 Answer 1

The sentences starting with "then" etc can usually be amended by leaving them out, and indicating the time using more expressive statements:

They were dark and deep, like small black holes. Sophia felt as if they were looking directly into her soul. The very core of her existence. She was terrified, but for some reason, she found something familiar in those eyes. The thought struck her: the baby was herself. She was staring at an image of herself, or to put it better, an image that once was herself. Before Sophia had the chance to have any further thought, the shark whale she had seen before appeared from on side of the water tank. It passed in front of her, swimming with the speed of a torpedo, swallowed the baby, and disappeared at the other side of the tank. Sophia watched the whole episode breathlessly, with her lips slightly parted. A deep emptiness and anguish surrounded her. She felt as if something inside her had been pulled out. Something that she would never be able to get back. She realized at that moment something that she had known all along; the sea no longer belonged to her. What she once called home, was now a distant world. A world that was far away from her reach. She was no longer part of the sea, and the sea was no longer part of her.

I have amended your text as minimally as possible, but I think it still has the same sense, without any of those words.

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