These are the things that I want for this introductory paragraph:
- Grab the reader's attention
- Create a melancholic and dark atmosphere
Inside was dark with just enough light to see shapes, and silence was playing in the background in an endless loop. The source was a green neon light attached to the rusty wall in front of the bar. There were only two persons sitting there; a young man with short hair and a girl with long black hair and smooth facial features. No one else was there; not even the bartender. They were glancing at each other from time to time. Both were holding glasses. He was having a whisky, and she a martini.
I also would like to improve/or fix bad writing style in this opening dialog:
“I had a nice time,” he said while staring at his glass.
“Me too,” she said while looking at him with a smile.
“I really mean it,” he said while looking into her eyes. “I feel like...for the first time, someone listens to not only to my dreams, but also my nightmares when I talk about them.”
He turned his eyes into the glass again as having said something inappropriate. She remained silent and her face turned red. She was trying to say something but it didn’t come out.
Silence continued playing in the background.
"Can I talk to you about something that terrifies me?" he said after a while.
She looked straight into his eyes and nodded with her lips half open.
Is there anything I'm doing wrong or is there something I can do to improve them?
Disclaimer: I'm not a native English speaker and I haven't corrected the grammar.