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I am looking for some advice on how to improve a short script that I have for an advertisement/introduction video.

I have been revising this for two months now. I have below two different versions. All help is appreciated.

Thanks!

Version #1:

Welcome to PrizeTV, the easiest way to earn rewards online at the click of a button. Watch videos, earn points, and chat with friends all at once. All of our videos are short, entertaining, and are welcome to your comments. For each video watched, you earn a point. It’s that simple! Don’t feel like watching videos at the moment? Hit up our link sharing section instead. That’s right! You also get rewarded for sending links to your friends. Once you earn enough points, you can redeem them for various prizes in our store. No waiting, our online store is always open. But that’s not all; you can chance your points in our weekly lottery to possibly win that week’s grand prize. Each point counts as an entry, so the more points chanced the greater your odds of winning. Don’t forget to check out the community section of our site where you can chat with friends and have open discussions on the forums. Thank you for watching and please enjoy everything PrizeTV has to offer.

Version #2:

Welcome to PrizeTV, the easiest way to earn rewards online at the click of a button. Watch videos, earn points, and chat with friends all at once. All of our videos are short and entertaining. For each video watched, you earn a point. It’s that simple! Don’t feel like watching videos at the moment? You can check out the community section of our site where you can chat with friends, chance your points in our lottery to win a grand prize, and much much more! Once you earn enough points, you can redeem them for various prizes. No waiting, our online store is always open. Be sure to check out the number one place to earn rewards: PrizeTV!

Questions:

  1. Do I cover too many features of the site?
  2. Is the wording on a good enough level for people to understand?
  3. Is the longer version #1 more effective or less effective than version #2?
  4. Are there some points where it does not flow? (Please just indicate the sentence numbers where it does not flow so that I know what to work on.)

After following the advice given in the answers this is what I now have:

Version #3:

Welcome to PrizeTV, the easiest way to earn rewards at the click of a button. Watch videos, earn points, and chat with friends all at once. All our videos are short, entertaining, and open to your comments. For each video watched, you earn a point. It’s that simple! Don’t feel like watching videos at the moment? Visit our link sharing section instead. That’s right! You also get rewarded for sending links to your friends. Once you earn enough points, you can redeem them for various prizes in our store. No waiting; our online store is always open. But that’s not all; you can exchange your points for entries in our weekly lottery for a chance to win that week’s grand prize. Each point counts as an entry, the more points you bet the greater your odds of winning. Be sure to check out the number one place to earn rewards: PrizeTV!

I removed this sentence (was right before the last sentence): "Don’t forget to check out the community section of our site where you can chat with friends and have open discussions on the forums." because it does not talk about rewards and distracts from the various ways of earning points. Do you guys agree/disagree with this removal?

Should I also remove "chat with friends all at once" in the second sentence and replace it with something else?

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3  
Even version 2 is tl;dr. –  John Smithers Sep 5 '11 at 7:58
1  
Just to clarify - this is a script, so somebody is going to be reading this out loud, while images flash up on the screen? –  Kate Sherwood Sep 5 '11 at 11:31
    
@Kate Sherwood, yes images are going to be flashing up on the screen. Something I keep showing people as an example is: youtube.com/watch?v=0QRO3gKj3qw But I am shooting for a minute. –  Flipper Sep 6 '11 at 1:51
    
Who will be watching this video? Users who have registered already, or potential users on the fence about joining the site? The general public unfamiliar with the site? This makes a huge difference. –  Neil Fein Jun 8 '12 at 15:16

2 Answers 2

Is "the easiest way to earn rewards online at the click of a button" a tag phrase you have to use? It seems a bit awkwardly worded to me. How about "the easiest way to earn rewards online at the click of a button"

I would change "Hit up our link sharing section instead." to "Hit up Visit our link sharing section instead."

Also, "you can chance your points in our weekly lottery to possibly" might sound better as: "you can chance exchange your points for entries in our weekly lottery to possibly"

I like #2 better, but a lot depends on the timing of your background video.

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Great suggestions. I have posted an updated version in my original post. The change to "entries" was a very smart move that I did not think of. Thanks! +1! –  Flipper Sep 6 '11 at 2:36

If this is a script being read over a video, then use #1, as #2 doesn't give enough information. It makes me want to hunt around and find actual directions.

Suggested fixes:

  • I've never heard "chance" being used as a verb to mean "gamble." Try "wager" the first time and "the more points you bet" the second.
  • "All of our videos are short, entertaining, and are welcome open to your comments." (No reason to use "of" after "all." One of my pet peeves.)
  • Query: Do you get a point just for sharing the link, or only if your friend also clicks on it?
  • Nitpick: "No waiting [semi-colon, not comma] our online store..."
  • "in our weekly lottery to possibly win for a chance to win that week’s grand prize." (This particular split infinitive sounds awkward and is easily reworded.)
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1  
I have decided to use #1 after your advice that #2 did not give enough information. "All our videos" sounds kind of strange to me, but when I read through it I understand the reasoning, it flowed a lot better. I followed all of your advice and have updated my original post with the updated version. I removed a sentence as well which I am not completely sure about and have posted a question below version #3. –  Flipper Sep 6 '11 at 2:34
    
As for the query, you get a point when a friend clicks on the link. +1! –  Flipper Sep 6 '11 at 2:35

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