I still have to make some grammar and writing corrections but I would like to know if this dialogue Has this has enough suspense to engage the reader (so that he or she wants to read more)?
“Excuse me, have you seen a girl that looks like this coming here?” he said while showing the picture of the girl.
“Sorry,” the bartender said apologetic, “I’m new, I don’t know many people here,” the bartender replied. “As you can see, there are not many people around,” he continues, “You are the first person I’ve seen for a while.”
He continued cleaning some glasses for some minutes. “Is this person lost?,” he finally asked.
“Not sure, but...Well, I can’t find her.” he replied.
“Maybe you should report to police.” the bartender said.
“No, she is just someone I...someone that I used to be with,” he continues, “We lost contact for a long time. We used to come to this place frequently. We used to drink vodka and eat Mexican chicken here, then we walked in that bridge over there,” he said pointing to a big window.
“Reconciliation with a past lover, uh?” the bartender said.
“Well, actually, I already have a girlfriend,” the young man added.
“Cheating, uh?” the bartender joked.
The young man seemed to ignore the comment.
After an uncomfortable silence, the bartender finally added, “Why don’t you just call her?”
The young man thought for a while,“I did many times, but...each time I call, she doesn’t pick up the phone”, he said while taking another shot, then he continued.
“Well few days ago, she called, she said that she would meet me in that bridge...but she never showed up.”
After finishing that sentence the young looked out of the window, while the bartender kept quite. Suddenly, the silence was broken by the ring of the phone.
Would you suggest any improvements?