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I wrote the following:

I think about cheating on you...with a girl who I used to have random romantic moments with, a girl who no longer exist, a girl which was you, the first days we met.

I'm a little bit confuse about writing the last part. I'm not very sure how to convey the fact that the girl that I'm talking to, is "she" but from the first days we met.

I'm not sure how to do this in the second tense, and in simple words. Or is what I wrote good enough?

Any suggestions?

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4 Answers 4

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I'm not entirely sure of the context: do you want to cheat on her with the woman she was in the past, or do you want to cheat on her with someone like she was in the past?

If it's the first option, then I'm not sure about "a girl". You're talking about someone specific (who she was), so "the girl" seems a better fit.

If it's the second option, then "a girl" makes a bit more sense, but you'd need to ensure the reader understands the context.

In addition to the clarity issue in your question, in both cases I'm not sure about the placement of your ellipsis. It breaks the flow at the beginning. I'd rather shift it towards the end of the sentence.

So, to achieve your objectives, the first option could be:

I think about cheating on you with the girl I remember. The one I had romantic moments with, who seems to no longer exist ... the girl you were, when we first met.

The second option, which is similar:

I think about cheating on you with a girl like the one I remember. The one I had romantic moments with, who seems to no longer exist ... the girl you were, when we first met.

Also, my personal preference would be to drop "when we first met", and just leave the last bit as "... the girl you were." Seems to carry more punch.

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Thanks for the detailed answer (the girl is the same person). –  Alexandro Chen Apr 17 '11 at 4:16

I think about cheating on you with the girl you used to be. The girl who I used to have random romantic moments with, the girl who no longer exist, the girl which was you, the first days we met.

Added in the clause "the girl you used to be" to clear things up. I'd also used "the girl" repeatedly, rather than "a girl" to further limit it to one particular girl.

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"I think about cheating on you-- with a girl whom I used to have random romantic moments with, a girl who no longer exists, the girl that you were... in the days when we first met."

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I think I'd built the first part up bigger, so that the second part comes as more of a kick. (although I'm not really sure how the person is going to cheat with someone who doesn't exist anymore...) (and I don't really know that 'random' is the right adjective for 'romantic moments', but - okay...):

I find myself dreaming of another girl. A girl from my past, who I used to have random romantic moments with, who used to make me laugh, who made me understand what love really means. I feel like I'm cheating on you, with a girl that no longer exists - the girl that you were when we first met.

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That girl exists in the protagonist's mind, not in the physical world. –  Alexandro Chen Apr 17 '11 at 4:17

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