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This is version 2 of this post

  • The intended audience is from 16-45 m/f, they have given me their email address and will recieve this email because they signed up for a mystery service I'm creating.
  • It should sound conversational and have the feeling that you're a part of the team who's making it happen.
  • I want it to be approachable, friendly, and inspiring
  • It should feel like a friend wrote it to you.
  • An acceptable answer if upvoted enough would be, "yah, this sounds great"
  • I'm trying to pass this thru layers of criticism so I can make sure it sounds the best to everyone.
  • If it comes off a little playful, that's great too, I want the message to live in a disarming context.
  • Also, if you know a better structure for the line spacing of the words it would be great to see recommendations

Thanks for signing up for the Tip for Tip beta.

We'll email you when the beta begins, you can see our countdown here.

Because you signed up early, we'll be making you a VIP Member. What does that mean? We aren't sure yet, but we plan to reward our VIPs with special features and other advantages.

Oh, and if you get your friends to sign up before the countdown finishes, we'll make them VIP members, too!

Thanks again.

Cheers,
Kirk and the Tip for Tip team

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This post has been revised from the previous post. I tried to use all of the comments, but wanted to make sure it sounded best. I really need your help because this email will go out to people like you ;) –  Kirk Strobeck Apr 4 '11 at 15:21
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@Kirk - our critique guidelines require a specific set of criteria to help us help you. Please edit your question to add those. –  justkt Apr 4 '11 at 15:29
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This is much better. :) –  Lynn Beighley Apr 4 '11 at 17:38
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@Kirk - please edit your question to add the set of criteria that you want us to critique your piece on. Also note that if you incorporate suggestions wholesale your piece will be subject to our license at the bottom of each page, "cc-wiki with attribution required" –  justkt Apr 4 '11 at 17:42
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@Kirk - part 2 was fine, but you still need to edit your post (click the edit link) and tell us what you want this to be - are you looking for something short and catchy? Edgy? Concise and business-like? Who is the intended audience? What is the point? As for the cc-wiki-by-a, I'm no lawyer but you are covered by fair use as well. More here. –  justkt Apr 4 '11 at 19:12
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2 Answers 2

up vote 3 down vote accepted

1st paragraph:

Use parenthesis instead of the comma:

We'll email you when the beta begins (you can see our countdown here).

Third paragraph:

If you say you're not sure what those special features are, it suggest lack of vision, and that you have no idea what you plan on doing in the future (which comes across as being negative).

I would suggest perhaps writing it something like this:

Because you signed up early, you are now a VIP Member, which means special features and other advantages.

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thnx ! btw, i updated the question with more meta –  Kirk Strobeck Apr 4 '11 at 19:48
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not sure I like the use of parenthesis, I feel like it should be better structured and that parenthesis is a way of fixing poor structure.. thoughts? –  Kirk Strobeck Apr 4 '11 at 19:51
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I prefer the parenthesis to the comma, because the comma is trying to join what are basically two separate sentences. I considered use of a semi-colon instead, since that would be much better than a comma, but I felt that the statement "you can see our countdown here" was made almost as an "aside". The semi-colon would probably still work if you're not comfortable with the parenthesis. Definitely avoid the comma though. –  Craig Sefton Apr 4 '11 at 19:57
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I agree with the parentheses, but these are two separate sentences. I would prefer: "We will email you when the beta begins. (You can see our countdown here.)" And I LOVED your change of negatives to positives for the third paragraph. –  Mike Rosenblum Apr 7 '11 at 23:11
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I like @Craig Sefton's idea, the parenthesis do look a-lot better than just a simple comma. Also, may I suggest, in the third sentence thinking about changing "you" to "you've" aside from that, it looks okay;

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