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Basically I need some critics regarding the following points:

  1. Does this description essay archive its goal (a creepy story with a 'sappy' ending)?
  2. How is the 'rhythm' of the story (is there sometimes too sudden or too long?).

Pets make you feel safe, useful, and needed. Mine was an exception (at least that's what I thought.) She was a shy little kitten named Luz. My mom gave her to me for my fourteenth birthday. She was the cutest baby cat I had ever seen. Her fur was smooth and dark gray, and it always used to reflect the sun and shine. But when she started getting older, her fur became very thick. It was getting darker and darker until one day, it became totally black. I really started to hate her. Even thought she was like a black curse, as time passed, she turned out to be the shiniest spark I ever had in my life.

She never made a single noise when she was walking in my old house. She just suddenly appeared everywhere I was. She become almost like a creepy version of my shadow. She was always so silent even when she was hungry. The only moment I used to hear noises from her was at night. She was like a baby ghost crying her sadness through the hall. Her sound was a mixture of sadness, anguish and frustration. Her cries were always in my mind, drilling in my thoughts, detaching me from consciousness, and driving me slowly into a strange state of melancholy and panic. The night was never silent the time she was around.

After she stopped crying, she used to come to my bedroom to stay in the darkest place of the room; The exact place where moonlight never touched. Then, she started to stare at me with her big, yellow and hellish eyes. Her stare was so creepy that sometimes I felt like she could see the deepest fears that were hidden in my mind. She could pass through my eyes and immerse herself directly into my thoughts. Her evil eyes were always haunting me in nightmares.

Her eyes weren't the only creepy part of her body. Every time I petted her, I felt like I was touching the corpse of a dead creature. Her body was just bones and tissues. Her skin was the same color of raw meat. It was so colorless, with no sign of life. It was so cold that sometimes it really made me wonder if that thing was really alive. The only thing that made me feel that she was alive was her smell. But it wasn't pleasant, because it was like the smell of a animal in decomposition. It was like blood, cat food and fish put together. At the beginning I really couldn't stand it, but as time passed, I got used to that smell. It was weird, but it filled the room with the sensation that someone was there.

The time passed and the black and creepy Luz was getting old, until one day she died. In the beginning, I was so happy because the curse of my days was finally gone. But later on, I started to have sleeping problems. The nights became so empty. No one was following me, watching my steps, watching my sleep and my dreams anymore. Luz was gone forever, and for the first time in my life, I was alone in the dark.

Thanks in advance.

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Vote to close for not following directions for posting critiques. meta.writers.stackexchange.com/questions/181/… –  Ralph Gallagher Mar 15 '11 at 17:02
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I agree with Ralph. This needs to be edited to tell us what you are looking for. We are not a group of free editors or beta readers. Your other critique questions (which this should be tagged as) have provided us with guidelines for what you wanted to do with your work. –  justkt Mar 15 '11 at 18:05
    
OK I edited the question. Is it OK now? –  Alexandro Chen Mar 16 '11 at 4:45

2 Answers 2

up vote 5 down vote accepted

Your writing style is stream-of-consciousness, which can be hard to digest. (On the internet this is labeled "tl;dr" for "too long; didn't read.") I strongly suggest breaking this into several paragraphs.

Second, you start out with how despite your objection to her color, she became an emotional bright spot — but you don't get to that until the end, and then you quickly hurry past it. You spend most of the essay dwelling on the "before" part of your feelings.

You should structure it roughly:

  • Intro: pets are great. mine wasn't, until she was. Cute baby cat to all-black cat whom I hated, and then loved.
  • Para 1: Silent by day, loud distressing cries at night
  • Para 2: How she felt and smelled
  • Para 3: How my feelings changed and why [this is the part you're missing]
  • Conclusion: Luz is gone and I miss her
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Yeah I felt I was missing Para 3 before. Thanks for pointing it out. –  Alexandro Chen Mar 16 '11 at 4:48

Just some remarks:

Were you really touching any corpse, anytime? Because this metaphor smells foul.

"Alone in the dark". I think it is a cliche. It is the name of well known legend among computer games, so this phrase induces feelings of a dangerous situation, not loneliness, loss and deprivation.

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I disagree; "alone in the dark" evokes loneliness and sadness in those of us not steeped in computer games. In the Ray Charles biopic Ray, Jamie Foxx is complaining to another character about his blindness: "When I walk out that door, I walk out alone the dark." He was referring to his entire life. en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ray_%28film%29 –  Lauren Ipsum Sep 7 '13 at 21:04

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