Take the 2-minute tour ×
Writers Stack Exchange is a question and answer site for authors, editors, reviewers, professional writers, and aspiring writers. It's 100% free, no registration required.

I have created my personal about page, based on "The Personal Page" template. As a non-native English speaker I worry, that my attempt at telegraphic style is riddled with questionable use of language. I have tried to be as clear and as brief as possible.

Could you please help me make this less embarrassing?

X Y is aspiring software craftsman, designer and a father on paternal leave. On the net since 1994. Appreciates high production values and simple, thoughtful design.

At the moment he is conducting an experiment in financing daughter's kindergarten via App Store. That's because he often wonders what the weather is like.

From time to time he parrots inconsequential things on Twitter, peppered with occasional Instagram shots. Recently rediscovered passion for running and finished a half-marathon. He is on the social network and linked in.

Note: I've used example.com in the links above, just to illustrate where they occur in the original copy.

share|improve this question
add comment

1 Answer 1

up vote 6 down vote accepted

This is nicely personal and humorous.

The key problem is the omission of articles (a, an, the), Articles can be tricky in English.

X Y is an aspiring software craftsman, designer, and father on paternal leave.

Also, if you really want to say "a father," then you'll also have to say "a designer" to keep the three items parallel. This is a somewhat subtle point, which even English speaking writers increasingly ignore. I can explain further if necessary.

At the moment he is conducting an experiment in financing his daughter's via the App Store. That's because he often wonders what the weather is like.

I don't understand the "weather" reference. Perhaps the actual link makes it clearer.

From time to time he parrots inconsequential things ...

"Parrots" means to repeat mindlessly what someone else has said. If you mean that you often retweet trivialities, then "parrot" is cute, though the metaphor may be a little off. (Do parrots tweet? I don't know.)

Recently discovered a passion ...

This and some of the other bits (e.g. "On the net since 1994") are sentence fragments. That's not a crime in informal language like this, but it does slightly grate against the style of the full sentences. It feels like jabs of staccato in the midst of a pastoral tone poem.

All in all, it's nicely done. The humor is subtle and delightful.

share|improve this answer
    
Dale, thank you very much for your comments! Articles were always my weakness. You rightly guessed that I retweet a lot. The "weather" refers to a weather app for iPhone I am working on. Later that link will point to the product page. –  Palimondo Mar 1 '11 at 3:09
add comment

Your Answer

 
discard

By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.