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Notes:

  1. My audience knows that adrenaline and epinephrine are synonyms.
  2. I'm new! I'm sorry if I abuse the site by posting this!
  3. Please critique ruthlessly.
  4. I would send by Facebook message to a girl I know, who's having a bad year.

Draft:

Excerpt from The Mechanic

In the roles of cooperating hitmen, Ben Foster and Jason Statham plan an assassination attempt. They finish each other’s sentences, amplifying a sense of magnitude, gravity, and confidence.

  • [Ben Foster] Adrenaline shot to the heart. 12cc and he’s dead in under three minutes.
  • [Jason Statham] Adrenaline’s unreliable. It may only force him into cardiac arrest.
  • [B Foster] But when the EMTs arrive, the first thing they do is jam you with a shot of epinephrine...
  • [J Statham] Which is toxic when combined with...
  • [B Foster] Adrenaline.
  • [J Statham] So on the off chance our adrenaline shot doesn’t kill him...
  • [B Foster] The EMTs will.
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    Minor clarification, please: is this a snippet out of a larger work-in-progress? Or are you writing a short riff off of "The Mechanic"? I think you meant the latter; if so, a reference to the original scene you're riffing off of would probably be helpful :)
    – Standback
    Feb 22, 2011 at 8:14

3 Answers 3

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The only thing I can see in this brief exchange to fix is:

Line 2: Eh, adrenaline's unreliable. Might only give 'im a heart attack.

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Because I find your dialogue interesting as it is, I tried to approach it from the other end and create something different. It's a fun exercise :)

I started my thought process on an idea to differentiate the characters - both of them are killers but the similarities should stop here. After a few minutes of YouTube research I depicted my impressions on the two actors.

Ben Foster's character would more of a maniacal/psycho, a person who rushes without thinking, ruthless and with eccentric, maybe a little crazy, ideas. This would contrast well with odd-calculating, experienced Jason Statham. Ben's carefree attitude would also throw Jason off at times.

Back to the dialogue. With these in mind, I wrote this concept:

  • BF: Blow his heart with adrenaline. 12cc and he's pretty much dead right on the spot.
  • JS: Listen. I won't go inside with a probability of leaving him alive. It's not in my style.
  • BF: But right after the EMTs have arrived, they find your heart going to break[1]. What's the first thing they do?
  • JS: An epinephrine injection.
  • BS: So basically, even if this syringe fails to kill him...
  • JS: They will finish the job.

[1] this one is a bit screwed. I haven't found anything better with simple, yet strong meaning.

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    This misses the joke -- the fact that the two "hit men" think that adrenaline and epinephrine are different chemicals that form a deadly combination.
    – Stan Rogers
    Feb 22, 2011 at 22:23
  • Thanks for your comment, I just followed the description the wrong way and got the feeling that using two names for one substance is acceptable and only to avoid repetition, especially given the fact that injecting two large doses of adrenaline gives the same effect as a combination of two different chemicals.
    – Michał Moroz
    Feb 22, 2011 at 23:03
  • This leaves me with another question - is it just me who didn't catch the point despite having all required information on a plate, or maybe this joke is not going to work in some specific cases? I think that the main reason in my case is that the joke is totally correct from the logic point of view.
    – Michał Moroz
    Feb 22, 2011 at 23:28
  • I have a feeling that there's a lot of set-up missing from this snippet -- it would likely register more as the blind leading the blind if you had a chance to see more of these "experts" at work. And the primary audience appears to be a single person (though fallout success would no doubt be welcome as well), so we can assume that her sense of humour is a known quantity.
    – Stan Rogers
    Feb 22, 2011 at 23:36
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well I am a medic and everyone should be using the term epinipherine anyway so the previous suggestion, from moroz, slightly amended would be great, just substitute the word adrenaline with epinipherine.

however it would be a big assumption to assume the EMT's will inject him with more epinipherine anyway TBH. It's not indicated routinely in myocardial infarction. they would most probably give him aspirin and streptokinase, oxygen, nitrates and morphine.

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