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(The following is behind a spoiler block due to use of adult language. Mouse-over to read.)

After a haze of alcohol at the bar, we hurried to the nearest hotel, without any words exchanged, only steamy sensual fancies filling our heads. ....In the hotel room, I unzipped his trousers, his penis popping out. It had already attained its virile phallus. I, too, undressed myself, slowly, tantalizingly, revealing my peachy skin. His penis head already wore a sheen of erotic secretion. I flung his manly body onto the king-size bed, pouncing on his Samson chest, my mossy vagina and his hard steely stick in a mutual frolic...I slid my body downward, until my mouth came to his cock, over which I drooled with abandon.

How can I make it more sensual, dramatic but at the same time very literary?

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locked by Neil Fein Sep 23 at 18:34

This post has been locked while disputes about its content are being resolved. For more info visit meta.

closed as unclear what you're asking by Monica Cellio Aug 15 at 14:18

Please clarify your specific problem or add additional details to highlight exactly what you need. As it's currently written, it’s hard to tell exactly what you're asking. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question.If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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Is there a reason you think it's not sufficiently sensual as it is? Is there any surrounding context? Are there any characters or literary elements in the larger context, which would give some basis for drama or the "very literary" element you want? Without these details, I don't think this question is answerable. -1 for the moment; and the question might need to be closed if you can't explain the question somewhat. –  Standback Aug 14 at 18:53
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Can you name any authors who write the kind of literary sex scenes you're looking for? Writing fictional sex has been a hotly debated issue since forever. It runs the gamut from Tropic of Cancer to your average contemporary romance novel. Just saying "literary" doesn't mean much of anything. You need to be much more specific. –  lea Aug 15 at 9:40
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1) you have entirely changed your question. 2) Proofreading requests are off-topic here. meta.writers.stackexchange.com/questions/301/… –  Lauren Ipsum Aug 15 at 13:13
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If an open question has answers, do not change the question in a way that invalidates those answers. Further, as another comment notes, the new form is off-topic. I've rolled this back to the previous version (and put your explicit passage behind a spoiler block so people who don't want to read it don't have to). While this version would probably be on-topic (or at least wasn't closed before), I'm putting this on hold while you sort out what you want to ask. –  Monica Cellio Aug 15 at 14:10
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You absolutely cannot edit your question and title so entirely. I have rolled this back to the previous state where it was left when it was closed. –  Lauren Ipsum Sep 23 at 16:09

1 Answer 1

  1. Learn how to construct a better sentence, and then a better paragraph. And then an actual metaphor. And then perhaps some real descriptions. (A penis is a phallus; it cannot attain one unless you're talking about grafting a second organ onto the first. And if your vagina is mossy, jesus, go see a doctor.)

  2. Ditch the purple prose.

  3. Erotica is about anticipation. You've rushed to the sex so fast it doesn't even qualify as Fifty Shades of Gray bad porn fanfic.

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4. When you write erotica from the first person perspective, the narrator might praise their partners body, but praising their own body seems very narcissistic. –  Philipp Sep 24 at 13:53

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