The novel's in first person. I'm working on a scene where there are five people dispersed on different floors of a building, all talking to each other via tiny mics and micro-earpieces. The protagonist too has those. He is inside a room, talking to his group when suddenly, an outsider comes and he is forced to shut up and answer the newcomer.
My question is, does this piece work? Is it correct to portray the dialogues like this? If not, any suggestions?
“You’re on the wrong floor,” a sudden voice said.
I turned around, my follower was here. I took a step back, “I’m sorry?”
“I said you’re on the wrong floor. You were supposed to check the copiers down on the sixth,” he said, gesturing me to come outside, “Come.”
I stood there, confused, voices screaming inside my left ear, “He might be inside the tower. You guys need to back out right now!”— “He’s not here, I’m sure of that.”— “Did you check?”— “Lynn did; Lynn, you did right?”— “I... Yes, Yes I did. Yes.” — “Greg, where the fuck are you?”
“Oh,” I never replied to Brady. I scratched my nose and told the person standing five feet from me, “Yes,” I added, "I've informed my guys. They'll be here any minute now."